Memoirs Of A Sleep Deprived Husband

I used to love laying down in my bed at the end of a long day.  Once I felt those cold sheets and wrapped myself in our down comforter, I was out in minutes.  But over the last few years, I noticed that my back started to hurt, and it took me longer to fall asleep.  I began seeing a dip on my side of the bed.  As time went on, I dipped further and further out of sight.

I started to protect the dip in fear that it would get deeper.  No one was allowed to sit in that spot.  When I would get out of bed, I purposely raised my butt up first and crawl out with just my arms and legs touching the bed.

I couldn’t flip the mattress since it was a pillow top.  If I rotated the mattress, that meant my wife would have the dip.

What kind of husband would I be?

But even though my wife was right next to me, she was in a whole other world of bliss.

We’ve never made our bed in the morning, so at night if I went to bed first, I rearranged the sheet and comforter so we both could just pull the covers back and lay down.  But once she arrived, she would get under the covers and then begin to turn like a tornado until all I was left with was a sheet corner.  So like a tug-of-war battle, I pulled back and fought for my half.

If my wife went to bed first, I came to bed and saw just the fitted sheet on my side and what looked like Mount Everest on her side.  It’s as if she had enough extra blankets and pillows to sleep a family of five.

Without waking her and only the light from my phone, I had to reach in and find the sheet and pull my part of it back along with the comforter.

Once I was in bed, I learned to be at peace with the dip to get any sleep.  As I stretched my legs, I could feel my feet move into a load of laundry that had been at the foot of our bed for 6 months.  Either I could use the laundry as a foot pillow or I could just have my feet intertwined with bras and socks.

I loved to sleep on my side.  But this was just a reminder of how far I had fallen.  Looking over from the valley,  I could see my wife several inches higher than me.  She always had her fan on and blowing in her face.  Most nights I struggled to feel any of the breeze and other nights it was a direct hit into my face to the point that my mouth was as dry as a desert.   She could have a fan because her night stand was big enough to hold one.  I had to fight to get a night stand of my own since there was not any room for one on my side.  But I finally got a tiny one.  But believe it or not, it had a dip in it as well to hold my change and keys.  So I didn’t get a fan of my own because it couldn’t hold one.

Some nights there would be a moment of heaven when she got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  That was my opportunity to roll up on her side to experience all the glory of her oasis.  Before long, she was back, and I was sent back to the dip.

But out of the blue one day, we went mattress shopping.  Lindsey took pictures of the mattresses she liked and their prices.  Mattresses are expensive.  After a couple of stores, we headed home with nothing.  I said, “Why did you get my hopes up?” “Instead of kicking tires, you were kicking mattresses!”  She just smiled and said that we needed to wait.  

Finally, one day she had seen the toll this sleeping situation had taken on me. So she told me that Aldi’s had a memory foam mattress on sale.  I know what your thinking.

Who gets a mattress from a grocery store?  

I do.  I did.

I drove to the grocery store as fast as I could and right next to the fruit was what I had dreamed about.  Most people dream about winning the lottery.  I dream about mattresses.   I dragged the giant box it came in onto the aisle. There was a handle, so I carried it to the checkout line.  As I sat it down, I realized the box had wheels.  I couldn’t wait to get it home.  With super strength, I launched the old mattress off of the box spring.

Oh, memory foam, where have you been all my life?  And best of all, it was dip proof!

While I still have to deal with all of the other issues at night, I can at least sleep on a mattress that is night and day from the old one that I hauled out as soon as I could.

Do you have any stories about trying to sleep in bed with your spouse?