I’m not helping my wife anymore. 

I’m not helping her do the daily house chores.  I will not be helping her do the laundry.  I will not help her do the dishes.  I will not help her cook.  When it is time to sweep and vacuum, I will not help.  When the kids get a boo-boo I will not help get a princess or Spongebob band-aid.  I will not help her play hide and go seek with them.

When my kids were little I did not help give them baths.  I didn’t help change diapers, clean up snotty noses or feed them baby food.  I didn’t help rock them to sleep or take care of them when they were sick.  I didn’t help buckle them in their car seats.  I didn’t help read to them at night or tuck them into their beds.

I don’t help now with taking them to dance recitals, soccer practices or teaching them to ride a bike.  All of these things are the job of a mom.  Right? 

Now before the hate mail is sent and the mean comments start, I ask that you read on. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8CJr5BqkzM

I have heard from many men that they believe dads need to make sure food is on the table and that the mortgage is paid and that everything else is hands off.  All I can say is “Wow!”  On the above statements, the key word is “help”.  The word “help” implies that I am helping someone with their responsibilities.  I am an assistant.  And that at any time, I can stop helping.  It also implies that I am going above and beyond my duty as a husband and father to give someone else my time that would otherwise be spent doing something else.  And that since I helped, I should get praised when actually it was something I should have been doing all along.

It’s true that I never helped my wife do any of those things.  However, I did those things.  I am still doing those things and I will continue until my kids are self-reliant enough to take care of themselves.  And my wife is not “helping” me.

Throughout my childhood, I watched my dad clean, do the dishes, fix boo-boos, vacuum, cook and a host of other things.  I didn’t know any different.  So when I got married and had kids, I did the same thing in my marriage. 

Not only marriage, but parenthood should be a 50/50 partnership.

Yes, there are times when one person is putting in more effort to get things done.  But for the most part, the parents are a team.  And we are a team that doesn’t keep score.  We don’t keep track of who cleaned the living room last.  There are days that my wife will do dishes several days in a row.  There are days that I cook several days in a row.  These things have to get done and so we jump in and do them.  Being married is a commitment.  Having kids is a commitment.  It is not temporary, but life-long.  

Our kids are watching us.  My kids are watching how their dad and mom contribute to the everyday household duties.  They will come to expect what they see in us from their future spouses.  They are also watching to see what their mother tolerates from me and what I tolerate from their mother.

Are there things that I find my wife doing exclusively?  Yes.  She won’t let me clean a toilet.  And you won’t see her mowing the yard.  It isn’t because either of us is above these duties in the relationship.  It is because she is a terrible mower according to me and I am a terrible toilet bowl cleaner according to her.  So we spare each other out of love.  If I was injured or disabled, my wife would mow.  And if it was the same situation for her, I would magic erase that porcelain throne to shine like new.  Not sure if it would be clean, but it would look clean.

From when our first child was born almost 10 years ago, up until now, we began a daily rotation.  When it is my wife’s day, she gets up with the kids when they wake through the night and then that same evening she gets them ready for bed and tucks them in at night.  And then the next day, I do the same thing. That means one of us gets to sleep a little longer in the morning every other day.  Now that is awesome!  

I used to get asked all of the time if I helped my wife and I would always say “yes.”  But the more I thought about it, I realized I was giving the wrong answer.  So when people ask do you help your wife with the dishes, I will tell them “no.”  I will tell them that we are a team and that the needs of the family that she tends to are the needs I tend to as well.

So this is a call to all of the moms and dads out there.  I know that not every family has this luxury.  Sometimes, there are work schedules that make things harder.  But having a 50/50 relationship is not about the numbers, but the idea of being a team.  Maybe someone is a stay at home dad or mom and so your spouse expects you to do everything.  That’s not an excuse.  If you are the only one working, you may not be able to do as much because of your schedule, but the effort to do what you can when you are there will speak volumes.  Besides, your kids are watching and what they see will help determine what they allow or expect from their future relationships.  Parenting and all of the work that comes with it can be hard and it’s even harder when you feel like you are doing it alone. 

I am so happy that I can now tell people that I’m not helping my wife anymore.

How do you contribute to your family?

Check out some of our other parenting posts.