How To Help Your Child Deal With Anger

I always wondered how little, innocent kids could get so angry about issues that seemed so small.  There have been so many times I’ve watched my own kids as they unleash anger towards each other or on my wife and me.  Where was it coming from?  If you think kids are defenseless, watch them fight each other over who gets the last piece of candy.  Before you know it, your at a boxing match!  Ding, ding.  In this corner, standing 35 inches tall and weighing in at 36 pounds, it’s the Toddler of Terror!  In the other corner, standing 40 inches tall and weighing 41 pounds, it’s the Kid Crusher!  And before I know it my precious kids are attacking each other with moves and words that I never thought were possible.

Anger is one thing.  It’s an emotion that we all have and we need to learn how to control it.  But where does this whole other level of anger come from?  I noticed how my kids anger grew more and more and how it was becoming more of an issue.  Was there something my wife and I were doing to fuel the fire with our kids?

Now we aren’t perfect parents by any means.  We yell at our kids from time to time.  We get angry.  We get too angry!  We overreact.  But we are also very aware of how we are parenting and if something’s not working, we try to rectify it.

I have tried the “fight fire with fire” mentality.  If my child is going to get angry,  I will show them that I am angrier.  I am here to say, that strategy doesn’t work for us.  So we have consciously made a decision to work on how we speak and act towards each other as a family.  By doing so, I have seen a difference in our kids.  It’s a work in progress and it doesn’t happen overnight, but I can see a difference already.

I have put together some rules that can help your child deal with anger.

1. Control Your Anger – Adults are much more capable of controlling their own emotions.  Kids are little copycats of their parents.  If you are going to yell and show anger when you really don’t need to, your children will do the same.  I have watched my kids when I get really angry.  They look overwhelmed.  They aren’t equipped to handle it.  They just know that I am really mad, so their emotions bubble over.  After all, they are following my lead.  If I blow up at them, they are going to blow up at the next person.  If I can control my anger, they will learn to do the same.
2. Teach Them To Control Their Anger – Kids sometimes don’t know how to deal with their emotions.  It’s our job as parents to teach them.  We are supposed to help them navigate through times when they feel sad, angry and a host of other emotions.  The important thing is that they understand what they are feeling.  The key word here is “control”.  You shouldn’t tell your child not to feel a certain emotion.  But you can help them to control it when needed.  
3. Quit Yelling And Change Your Tone – Sometimes as parents, we yell everything.  We’re not necessarily angry, but we’re yelling.  Our kids can’t tell the difference.  If you yell all the time, it can have the “never cry wolf” effect.  Nothing is a big deal because we’re making everything a big deal.  Instead, when you need to get your point across, change the tone of your voice to be more stern instead of loud, kneel down and have them look you in the eyes.  They will probably be caught off guard and be much more responsive to what you are saying.  
4. Limit Screen Time –  When our kids are on a tablet or phone for long periods of time, they become much more irritable about almost everything.  I’m sure you’ve seen stories on the connection between too much screen time and kids being irritable, moody and downright lazy.  The irony is they will be upset when you begin to limit their time.  However, once they understand that they can only be on a device for thirty minutes to an hour as opposed to 3 or 4 hours, you should see a big difference in their behavior. 
5. Make Sure They Have Enough Rest –  We set a firm bedtime.  Then as the days go by, we start letting them stay up later and later and before you know it, our kid’s behavior starts to change for the worse.  Elementary school age children need a minimum of 9 hours of sleep.  And the younger they are, the more sleep they need.  Here is a good site for determining how much sleep your child needs.  You would be surprised at how different a child’s behavior is when they have enough rest.
6. Discipline Your Child When You Aren’t Angry – This is a hard one, but sometimes we discipline our children because we are angry and not because they need to be disciplined.  Take your anger out of the equation.  You will end up making better decisions as to what their punishment should be for anything they do wrong.  It will also demonstrate to your child that the disciplinary action is not associated with your anger.  
7. Give Your Child Some Attention – Anger can come from a need for attention.  When possible, fulfill that need for attention.  One time my son was mad about something that happened at school and he was taking it out on everyone at home.  No one could really help him fix the reason he was mad.  I asked him if he wanted to go to the store with me to get a few things and his whole attitude changed.  He just needed some one on one time with me.  Here is another one of my posts about one on one time.
8. It’s Called Hangry For A Reason – Make sure your kids are getting enough to eat and that they are at least eating breakfast, lunch and dinner.  When I get hungry, I also get angry, also known as hangry.  If it happens to adults, it happens to kids.
9. Reconcile Anger – Don’t let the sun go down on any anger between you and your child.  If you are out of line with how you are acting towards them, then apologize.  They need to do the same if they have let their anger get the best of them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_YTCKchvXo

Kids will resort to what they know best when they are upset and that can include tantrums, excessive crying, hitting and or saying mean things.  Sometimes their anger needs to be dealt with right when it gets out of control.  But sometimes there is more than meets the eye.  It’s our jobs as parents to help them deal with it.

How do you deal with your child’s anger?